Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
