hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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