I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
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