the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
