Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
