We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
