saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
