She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
