you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
