i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Is Oprah even human
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
