god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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