If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You left your phone here
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