I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
