Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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