When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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