We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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