its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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