I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize