i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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