The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
