I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
