not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
