i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
