and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
