I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
