It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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