Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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