If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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