When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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