I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
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every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
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I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize