I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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