we're chasing vodka with high fives
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
