Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
