i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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