youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
