I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
