awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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