im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
