i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
