I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
