Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
