Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
You took a bar mat shot.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
