new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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