you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
