I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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