Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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