You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
