So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
