it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
