He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
