i think my tv is drunk
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
