Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
