I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
