and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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