Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
