dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
